WHOLENESS IN ALONENESS
Updated: Jul 16, 2019
This week, #thoughtfultuesday brings you a current and seemingly vulnerable topic of discussion for myself. As much as I love summer, this time of year also signifies a time of social gatherings, also known as wedding season. In my experience, there is something incredibly uncomfortable about attending weddings (or any social event) solo. Depending on where I have existed on the bitterness scale, there have been times in which I have looked at connection between two individuals and thought to myself, "Damn them for their sickening infatuation." I am not proud to admit this, but you will be pleased to know that I am now in a space where I can again see the beauty in a love connection. By the way, I thought this update was necessary so you don't think I am an incredibly heartless person.
Although I do not condemn people who ask if I am married or have children as they are staple conversations in our social fabric, I cannot help but feel that pang of dread when they arise. On the bright side of continually encountering these questions, I have multiple opportunities to work through some deep-rooted insecurities. Nonetheless, the story that these confrontations create is one of a damaged and defective 30+ year old that is incapable of holding down any stable relationship beyond a two year period (or as of late beyond two weeks). If dating has demonstrated anything over the past four years, it is that I am most definitely not meant for this planet.
Despite many, many disappointing conversations and dates, I still cling to the pursuit of a significant other. This comrades is one of my strongest seeking patterns/addictive cycles. Before you judge me too harshly, you should know that all humans have been conditioned to seek salvation through the other and engage in this pattern (whether it be another human, an occupation, shopping, substances, food, etc). One of my more prominent false core drivers revolves around this notion of unworthiness or being undeserving of love. Resultantly, my mind is fairly convincing that the answer to my sad existence is to find a hero to sweep me off my feet and that his love will magically incinerate my wounds. Aren't we all looking for our "better-half" to "complete us"? It turns out that this subconscious script isn't true or helpful, nor is it straightforward to kick.
Of course, I cannot delve into this topic without briefly alluding to some entrenched gender roles. Women are defined and classified by their ability to nurture others. If a woman is not mothering, who and what is she? Better yet, what then is her place in this world? Historically and presently, women have been and are characterized through their male counterparts (ie, First Lady to the President). Yes, this is changing, but at a snails pace. Before this turns into a complete tangent, my point is to discourage the critical mind and voice about women who aren't on a traditional path and are blazing their own trail. Period.
Returning to the title of this post, how does one achieve Wholeness in Aloneness? I was listening to a Podcast by Deepak Chopra in which he mentioned that problems of the mind cannot be fought on the level of the mind (or with the mind). Thus, will power or thinking differently is not the solution. Problems of the mind must transcend the mind. Again my process of moving beyond the mind is through my pain; sitting with the suck. I do not always reach transcendence, but when I do, there exists this awareness that in vast consciousness I am not alone. On some unfathomable energetic plane where our physical selves do not exist, we are all connected. The biggest question of these transcendent experiences in my opinion lies in the integration of these experiences into my lived reality.
I entirely agree that humans are hard-wired for connection. However, I caution the belief in this in a literal sense. In my experience, this can easily become a justification for the seeking of connection to fix oneself. What does authentic connection look like? Authentic connection comes with no demands or expectations of the other. When we drop our needs from the connection, we are able to enjoy the connection entirely for what it is. Ideal connection happens when two individuals come together without an intense need for one another, but simply to share whatever arises. Doesn't this sound beautiful and damn near impossible? Yes to both! I am reminded in this moment that let go, or surrender, is momentary and must be continually re-engaged. My invitation to all readers this week (including myself) is to silence your inner critic. You my friends, are already living your best life whether you believe it or not.